Its Different

I spent part of my morning today watching Nike ads on You Tube and the Tour de France on Versus.  As a result Im overflowing with mojo and swirling in psych.  At the same time, Im dizzy, and Im standing.  Lately, Ive begun to realize, that for the first time, in a ridiculously long time, if not perhaps ever, I am getting ready to embark on a journey for which I have no idea the destination.  

I am Virgo. I hear that makes me competitive and goal oriented.  I am a planner.  Most of my life decisions are strategic.  No doubt the decisions to leave Fairfax, come to Iraq, quit the Fire Department, and now ultimately leave Iraq have all been with an endgame in sight.    I wanted to have the time and resources to do whatever I wanted. To pursue any dream, any whim, any curiosity.  And through my deliberate decision making and thought out planning I have that.  Mission Accomplished.  In about one week Ill be looking down the barrel at a clean slate and boundless opportunity, but there is no goal at the end, no finish line.

I am going to spend the next fair bit of time dedicating my days to climbing and pursuing other outdoor sports along the way.  Ill be focusing on being vertical, my health, my wellness and on all the people who will come along the way.  The part that is different about this is that I’m doing it, just to do it.   Its not a part of some grand scheme or a step in a path.  Not really anyway. 

Yes, it freaks me out that I have no plan, but I’m recognizing that on some days I’m more ok with it than I might have ever imagined.  On those days, I’m content to surf the current of the universe.  This flies in the face of the part of me that always wonders what I am going to be next and how I can meticulously, obsessively, plot how to get there.  Letting go of that drive is liberating.  Surprising for some of you reading this that can probably remember me saying, “Im going to be President of the United States.”  And when you gave me the “that’s nice” smile, I grabbed you with both hands and said, “I’m serious,” and I meant it.

But on other days, the Virgo in me rears her head and out comes the notebook, the internet, usajobs.gov, the guidebooks, the AMGA pre-requisites, the 0-6 month, the 6-18 month and the 18-36 month plans.   On those days I wonder if meeting my goals, whatever they are, is just a matter of proper scheduling and asking the right people for advice.   

In the end though no matter which type of day it is or how at any particular moment I’m feeling, when it comes right down to it, I don’t know where the next year will take me.  And I don’t care. I want to do this because I genuinely want the experiences I am about to have.  I have a bit of an idea where it might lead, but if it doesn’t I’m open to that too because its not the reason for the journey.  Not today, anyway.